the money shot

I spend too much time on my computer. This is a collection of images I've stumbled across in the last few months that amused, confused or amazed me, so I saved them.


1. This image file is called "Gilbert". I can't remember if I called it that or if it was so called when I found it. I know that I googled "old man" and there he was, peering asymmetrically out from between the old man/teen girl porno shots. Why is it that no matter what you type into google, you come up with hardcore porn? I once typed in "cartoon muscle" hoping to find a picture of Popeye the Sailor Man...and well, you can imagine the results! Anyhow, this is Gilbert, and I instantly fell in love with his lonely, yet handsome face and dapper moustache. He reminds me of my grandpa in some ways, with his curly, side-parted hair. Don't you just HAVE to know who he is and why his picture is on the internet???? Do you think it could be his Lava Life profile picture? Or maybe a security pictiure for his laminated nametag at work, that, through some glitch somehow spun onto the internet accidentally? Sigh...I hate that we'll never know. Goodbye Gilbert...I wish I could have told you to avoid a beige background-- not with that shirt.

p.s I also loved "Gilbert" from Anne of Green Gables as a child...he was so dreamy...






2. So one day, this banner ad for "pools" appears at the top of the CBC newsite, and all I can think about, instead of getting a pool, is "why oh why are that person's toes so weird!???! And why would any one ever use them in an ad??????" Do you think the toe-model is intentionally trying to make a peace sign, or, did the photo director just keep saying "okay, yes, yes, your feet are so beautiful. Now stre-e-e-e-etch out those toes for me baby. Just a little bit more, c'mon, Stre-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e--e-eetch them out, yeah, there you go baby! That's it, that's the money shot.... now HOLD IT..." !!!!!








3. Here is a contest I won. I have won £400,000 and a trip to the London Olympics in 2012! You can imagine how excited I was when I received this very official looking notification, via email. ....I love the British. Even their internet scam artists are polite and articulate. You have to click on it to get the full impact. Now if only they were as good with their graphic design!




4. Last but not least, I forget where I saw this, but the tag-line of the dating service just struck me as funny: Search, Chat and Marry!



I laughed, but then got to thinking about the incredible cultural differences this ad outlines. Compare it to the western dating ads I bump into online everyday, like this one:



That is not from a porn site, may I add. That's from an internet tv site called Peekvid. Kinda scary, on its own, in what it says about our dating culture, and well, our culture in general. But even scarier, considering Peekvid, like most of the internet, is crawling with curious children. I know what I've seen in my internet meanderings, I can't even imagine what my 11 year old god-daughter has seen. I'm going offline now, in protest...let's see how long I can hold out!

The Magic Window

It was around February, and very cold outside, and I actually wasn't planning on going to Allan Gardens the day I took these. I was on my way somewhere else (I forget where), and only stopped off to warm up inside the greenhouse, because my hands were numb. It was very warm inside, and the lens of my camera immediately fogged up, and, well, here are the results. I particularly enjoy the transition back to a clear lens....

If you haven't been to the corner of Sherbourne and Carlton, put it on your list of things to do on a cold day next winter. I think it's Toronto's oldest greenhouse. Mid-1800s or so, and beats the crap out of internet t.v.

Visual Stimulation

Ok, so it's been for-fucking EVER since I've written anything juicy. I apologize. And I realize I didn't need to swear to get the point across, but you are over it already, I am sure, because let's face it-- there are worse things going on in the world. In fact, I am having a minor ethical crises almost everyday, these days. Aren't you? Do I give that homeless lady-- the one with no body fat or teeth who always has a really long, genuinely heart-breaking story to tell you every time-- money or not? I know she's just going to use it for drugs. I have actually seen her make an order, yelling out to some guy who must have been on his way to see the dealer. She wanted 5 dollars worth. I wonder how much that gets you... And what do I think about the HPV/cervical cancer vaccine and the possibility of it being made mandatory? Would I get it? Would I want my niece to be forced to get it? Or what of the SPP? Or the Stop the SPP protest? And should I put my 14 year old cat to sleep because she's pissing on everything, everyday, no matter what I try? Fuck. There, I said it again. But really, it was justifiable.

So, for the last 8 months or so, I have been quietly taking pictures and storing them away in a file on my desktop called "To Blog" like it's full of important, life-altering information. It certainly isn't, but I tell ya, as I am writing this, I am remembering how good it feels to blog-- nerdiness be damned. It feels really good to have a place to think out loud, and not worry about grammar, plot, fact-checking etc. It is completely self-indulgent, and yet at the same time, feels like a teeny little accomplishment, in the same vein, I guess, as writing a song. No one's going to read it, but someone might. And someone might leave the post smiling, or pondering, or at best, feeling more...full? than they did a second ago. Sometimes people write in, and that is best of all.

I am going to start emptying out that file into this blog, hopefully regularly over the next few days. So, here you go, you crazy kids I photographed in Kensington in, like February (you know who you are). I love these pictures of you. And I love you for your crazy, self-conscious, quirkiness; striving for, and somehow actually hitting interesting/unique. Thanks for your bugging me to post these. I hope you enjoy them. feel free to grab a copy for yourselves.










These next few were taken in Kensington, on and around the Winter Solstice. I love it here so much,though, looking through these photos, I have realized it does kind of look like a theatre or movie set. Completely over saturated with colour, and un-reality. Maybe that's why I love it so much, but perhaps it's contributing to my fairy-tale outlook of life. Which is either a really good, or a really bad way to live.


















This was written on a doorway on Spadina. It seemed odd; it caught my eye. ...But she seems like such a sweet girl!




This one is not in Kensington, it is right beside St. Mike's hospital. Another brake-squealer!I almost crashed into myself stopping to back up and get this shot, on my motorcycle. Thankfully, I remained upright and got the shot.




You need to know, that Electric Blue is this year's Sea Foam. You read it here first.








The rest are random shots in and around Kensington. Except the last one. That's special, just for you.